What if the Baby Doesn’t Want to be with Dad and Rejects Him?
You still remember the day he told you the test was positive. Even sighs moved remembering how you were excited at that moment, and how you started to imagine what it would be like: what pregnancy would be like, how childbirth would be and how it would be when you would finally take your baby and feel all those emotions that people explain.
And it was wonderful when the first days you could take it in your arms, sleep it, cradle it, … in short, look after it and feel that you were not doing so badly by observing that you also relaxed and slept, as trusting entirely in your ability to make you feel safe.
However, since you returned to work everything changed a bit. You spent many hours away from home, and instead of two people for the house and the baby, there was only one, she, for both; and normally, in solitude, it’s impossible to get it all on. So since then, when you get to work, you take care of everything you can, and when you can finally be with your baby, you realize that he does not want to be with you and rejects you.
It is normal; it is complicated hours
If we talk about a baby, days or weeks, the usual thing is that in case you cry you do it out of hunger, or by the time it is. If it is for hunger and takes Teta, it is clear that there the parents have nothing to do: “Honey, wait, do not shower yet, that is looking for my arm …”. But if you’ve eaten, you’ll probably cry because it’s a wrong time.
Many babies close “the shutter” at seven or eight in the afternoon (we often talk about it as infant colic). They are hours in which the sunlight comes down, and they begin to notice tiredness, sleep, and oppression of the whole day. Then they enter into a strange, vicious circle in which they want to sleep but they cannot because they are like overwhelm, and as they weep, they still exceed more.
It’s healthy, mother, there’s only one
When they are a little older, and we no longer speak regarding days or weeks, but regarding months, then the question is more related to the permanent affective bond that the baby has created with the mother. Experts say that all babies, even those who are born in the term, arrive in the world premature: Before time because they are born very immature (and therefore they weep so much at the beginning), needing many arms or in some cases porting, like if we talked about kangaroos.
It is what we know as exterogestation, and it is a time when the baby spends a lot of time with the mother, in her body, her arms and her chest, as if she were still forming and growing outside. Whether or not the baby is so dependent or not, the usual thing is that she cares more about the baby because she is the one who tends to take the longest drop. It makes the baby have a mom as her primary caregiver and like that figure to turn to when she sits in some danger.
Of course, dad’s not dangerous, but it’s not mom. And there are babies who for the simple fact of not being with mom, they cry. In other words, although Dad loves him more than anything, and although he is his father, blood of his blood, for the baby, his arms are time without Mom’s, and then he complains and cries.
Not to force, but to be there
What to do then? On some occasions, I have received consultations of this type, of parents who ask me how to act because of his son or his daughter, the person for which he would give his life, avoids or even cries in desperation if he tries to hold it in his arms. Other times it is the mother who feels terrible to see that the baby only wants to be with her, even guilty for creating that bond that does not exist yet with the father, as if he had done something wrong.
The truth is that it is nobody’s fault, but something normal in many babies, who need a little more time to feel safe in the arms of a person other than mom. What is recommended, then, is not to force the situation. Contrary to what many people advice, spending more time with the baby, if he is crying, is not positive. First, because when baby cries do not see you, second, because it does not hear you, and third, because if you are crying and suffering, the more time passes more difficult will be that the next will seem minimally appetizing to share time with you.
Therefore, the ideal is that the approaches are when the baby feels completely safe, and this is in Mom’s arms. When he is awake with mom and is not eating, Dad can get closer and say things, sing, play games, and show him, little by little, that he is a person in which he can trust, and that there is nothing dangerous.
As the days and weeks go by, Dad will become one more, and every time he’ll agree to spend more time with him. That is why it is said that you do not have to force, but you have to be there, meeting with the baby to know you and create, little by little, a relationship.
And so there will come a time when you can be with the two without any problem, and then another time, towards the two years generally, in which it can even happen otherwise, that Dad becomes the most incredible being he knows. Then you would remember those times when I could not see you and also (while you clean the drool you fall) to realize that counts with you for everything.